From Love to Loss
by Wild as the Wind Is
Summary: Alice is the only one Jasper has ever loved, the only one who made him feel hope. When she is killed, coaping is not an option. This story is about what he does to end the pain. A/J Always.


**EDITED 11/3/12**

**This was my very first fanfiction. I realized how many mistakes that were in it and felt obligated to edit and revise. I forgot how unorganized I was a few years ago. (:**

**This story I wrote still makes me tear up, which is why I felt like it was worth it to revisit. I hope you feel welcome to visit this story as much as you would like. Reviews are still VERY much appreciated.**

* * *

I was in pain.

The worst pain you can possibly imagine.

I had been bitten many times, physical pain is so temporary and trivial compared to the pain of grief. I washed over me, leaving me powerless against it.

It's been three months. Three months since I went back in the dark, lost all hope that I had ever had. I don't think anyone knew the real exstent of my pain.

I had lost everything I had cared about. Alice.

I remember it so clearly, I would kill not too remember her in my arms on the grass. Not moving, her eyes lost all shine they ever had. Her face with a small crack on her temple, like glass. She was gone, and would never be back. I needed her with everything I had. Now that she was gone, my emotions and powers were out of control. Coaping with this was not an option, coaping without Alice was not concievable.

I held her that one night in the grass. I touched her delicately, yet when I put my hand down on the grouned my fingers dug into it as easy as sand. I yelled and sobbed for her to open her eyes. Nothing would bring her back. I kissed her where her face and neck was cracked from when the monster that had broken her. It was a newborn, a lousy newborn. The red eyes I still remember were very alive and hungry. I had murded him in my rage. Alice was still gone though, death seemed to be the only thing that had ever separated us.

She saved me from everything, everything wicked about me vanished around her. Since her death, I had lost the will to live in this life. I felt like I had before I met her, only worse. I felt empty before she came into my life, and now her absence consumed me.

I was in our room in our small cottage that was made for us when we first came here. I hadn't left since she vanished from our world. Our bedroom was were her sent was most clear. I only left when my family forced me too hunt.

They did it for my good, to keep me alive, but I was already dead.

_Bellapov-_

We were all on a short fuse, Jasper was furious at the world and everything in it. Therefore unwanted feelings rose out of us like never before.

"Edward?" I had asked helplessly, even though I already new the answer.

"Yes, Love?" Edward always answered gently, even with all the mayham, he still remained the most controlled of all of us.

"He won't get better, will he?" I shook my head slightly, believing it impossible.

"Jasper isn't human, life doesn't move foward for him, for any of us. I knew without reading his thoughts that Alice meant the world to him, even in the beginning." Edward stated the obvious, yet I don't think any of us would fully understand the truth in his words.

"You got that right." Emmett walked in, "Jasper isn't ever going to get better. This is Alice and Jasper we are talking about." Emmett, trying to be quiet, still had the loudest voice of us all.

As if on cue, Rosalie stepped into the conversation. "He has to get better. We need him."

Edward winced slightly. I wrapped my arm around him.

"Jasper has no force pushing him foward. Alice was all he ever thought about."

Esme spoke softly but proudly, "He has us."

"If he tries to hurt himself," I couldn't bring myself to say kill, "We should-"

Carlisle spoke almost dangerously fierce, "I won't loose him. I've lost Alice. I won't loose Jasper."

I went for the final blow that we all needed hear, "I think we already have. Jasper was lost without her, Alice was the only one who filled that hole. We are selfish to make him live without her. We need to let him go. Don't we?"

They all put there heads down, remaining silent. They knew the answer, the only right one. We had too, even if it ripped us apart, he needed to be free.

_Jasperpov-_

The only time out of these long three months I had contact with someone was when Reneseme came in once out of pure curiosity, wondering where her Uncle Jasper had gone. The burning in my throat was dark and ravenous, but by then I was in a much larger pain than being thirsty.

Then, she touched me, she gave me a memory of my Alice and I. It didn't feel like me that was by Alice. _Alice. _I saw her face staring at me with such life and energy. I was holding her hand and I touched her wedding ring lightly with my finger. She always said she loved it but that she never needed one. And that she knew I loved her without a ring, but I had insisted. I wanted everyone that was allowed to know that Alice was married to me. But just as I started to rap my head around the fact I saw her again, the vision ended.

Reality set in once more, it was like Alice was being taken away again. As I woke up from the trance I was in and I screamed out in torture. Reneseme jumped back at my outburst, Edward ran into find me with Renesme beside me with her small hand over my large scared one. I grimaced she as she took her hand off mine.

"I'm sorry, I thought it would make you feel better. You looked so sad." she said with her head down, as she thought she had done something wrong. But given me the answer I had been searching for.

"Don't worry Nessie, you helped me out a lot. I didn't mean to scream. Now I'm sure Emmett is waiting for you, maybe if you ask nicely, he will help you take Jacob down in wrestling match." I said smiling, something i hadn't done in a long time, the vision had helped me after all.

She grinned at me, excited about her plan, she jumped up off the bed happily and ran off the bed happily and ran off to go find her much larger uncle.

As she ran off, I thought about how happy she was, she reminded me off Alice, how she seemed to dance from one thing to another.

"Jasper, you need to go hunt, get outside and-" Edward tried to reason with me. Trying to get me off the subject I was thinking.

"Edward?" I asked the question that I had held in only in my thoughts.

He grimaced and sighed, he knew what was coming. "Yes?"

"When? Please when does it get better? Tell me please how long? When did it get any better?" I was almost hysterical. He was the only one who knew even in the slightest what I was going through.

"I would tell you but I don't think for our kind it ever does." Edward shook his head. I could tell from his feelings he felt like crying, out of sadness that Alice was gone and from the pain I was giving off.

I thought about going to the Volturi to many times to count. But I never did because it would give them yet another excuse to come and visit them. I wouldn't leave them that mess. Not too mention they would stop me before I left the house. As my mind wondered back to my niece downstairs. An then too Jacob...

The idea came to me very quickly, but Edward ignored it as much as he could.

"She misses you, we all do." Edward had said solemly, as I was thinking of Renesme. He was now probably desperate to get me back. Something inside me snapped like a spring.

"Edward, I was dead without her and I'm now. You thought for twenty-four hours that Bella was dead, and you tried killed yourself with the thought. Well it's been three months and I know she isn't coming back. I wont go to Voltura and you know that, but I will find some other way Edward. I cant go on like this. _Without her." _I was now begging him, but I wasn't for sure why. Maybe for consent, approval. That when I tried that he wouldn't stop me.

"Alice wouldn't want you to do this Jasper." He tried one last time, but with no victory.

"I can't live without her, I never could. Without her there at that diner when we met, I wouldn't have survived. We stopped you because we knew that Bella was still alive. Alice isn't."

"The pack won't go for this you know." He tried to reason, trying to convince me my plan wouldn't work, yet he was speaking so softly I almost didn't hear him.

"I have to try, just as you did." I responded slowly with no ease.

When I got up, Edward stopped me at the door. He held his hand out for a hand shake, but I gave him a hug. I tried to send him calm, but it only made him worry more.

"You can't tell them can you?"

It was the truth, I don't think I could tell them I was going to do this.

He turned around, as he did I felt his worry and guilt build, and he wouldn't be the only one.

I looked around at the silent room. Her sent filled the air. Her luscious smell came flowing out as I opened the door to the closet, I skimmed my fingers over her clothes. My chest burned with pain, the worst kind off pain. Love.

I looked down at my ring that I had swore I'd never take off. The simple golden band that was a simble of our love. The golden band that would forever mock my new found hate. But yet I could ever, take it off because Alice had put it on me.

I walked down stairs, knowing I couldn't face them.

I walked past them all, I don't know what Edward had said to them but it made them still, but there emotions were wild with hate and plain agony. I somehow made it past without stopping myself.

"Wait Jasper!" Esme called out, she ran into me hugging me tight. I embraced with all i could. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. For some reason I knew she knew what would happen, they all knew.

"I'm going to miss you, son." Carlisle, My father, I was going to miss him also. He had always helped me when school and the thirst was too much, they all had.

Rosalie was very angry, more angry than all of them put together. But instead of a hate filled lecture, she embraced me too.

Emmett grabbed me from behind, spun me around and gave me the biggest hug. "I can't think of anything to say except im going to miss you a lot buddy."

Bella came up to me and hugged me softly. "I think you need to say goodbye to your favorite neice too." she gave me a small smile.

Nessie ran up too me and jumped up abnormally high, putting her arms around my neck with once jump. I hugged her yet tried not to crush her.

She looked up at me, her big eyes bored into mine. She spoke words so softly i think heaven herd her."When you see Alice up there, tell her we all miss her." she had tears coming down her cheeks. I set her down, I couldn't bear to look at her so upset.

I turned away, but not without glancing back. For the slightest of moments I felt almost whole. _Almost._

"I love you all, you gave me the chance to start over, thank you for giving me a home and a family. I love you all more than you can no." it was all I could muster before I ran off. I didn't look back at them, I couldn't without turning back.

I ran for miles, waiting to find the place everyone knew as the divide between us and the wolves territory. A small river divided us as natural enemy's. When I found it, I herd a growl from the other side.

I jumped across the river, as I did I found what I was looking for. Three wolves stood there for a very different perpose than I. They were there to protect lives, I was there to end mine.

I saw Sam, go behind a tree to phase back into a human. As he changed the other two growled at me, He came out in shorts.

"Jasper, you know you can't come over here like that, scares the crap out of us," Sam told me with a humorous tone.

"I have a favor to ask."

"I don't understand." Sam told me simply. Just then I smelled someone else come over. It was Jacob.

I didn't want him to be here, he would be the one that would need the most convincing.

I was out of It now, not thinking about anything but how I was going to put this to make it not sound so awful, but there wasn't another way. I was going to have to face this head on.

"Hey Jasper, man, what are you doing here? Is everything alright?" Jacob asked me. He knew what happened to her, he was there when we found her. Something happened between the two in wolf form, they left. Sam phased back and trampled away, but I smelled him, he was close.

"Sure." He felt uneasy about all of this.

"What I'm asking you to do is not easy, or something I'm asking for you to do yourself. I just need help." I started, it already sounded horrible.

"What is it Jasper?" Jacob was now scared.

"Alice is gone, I'm nothing without her. I...I want to end my life. I can't do this anymore Jacob, I can't. Another vampire or a wear-wolf is the only thing that can kill me. I need you or Sam or anything to end this. Please, I'm begging you, do whatever you can." I couldn't think of anything else to say. That was all I had.

"Wait what? No! No I can't do that Jasper, I wont end your life for you!"

"It ended three mothes ago, Jacob." I said through my teeth. "Don't tell me that I can't do this, or that Alice would want me too, that I can move on from this, because I can't. I won't. You know that."

"I wasn't going too. But why not go to the Volturi? Wouldn't it be easier than this?"

"Not for the rest of my family, if I went to kill myself there, it would give them a reason to come here again. They will use any excuse and I can't take that chance. At least this will be better for them in the long run."

"Why didn't they stop you from coming here? Why didn't Edward?"

"He wanted to kill himself when Bella was thought to be dead. He didn't judge me for this. Neither did the rest of them. They are so much more than I deserve." I said shaking my head.

"Bella will never forgive me if I do this, not to mention Nessie or the rest of them." Jacob muttered.

"Bella will forgive you, she loves you Jacob. They let me go, they knew what I was going to do. They have eternity to forgive you. Please, I don't want to live forever, not without her."

Jacob shook his head, "This is all wrong."

He took a long moment, staring out in the woods, he then looked at me with a painful glance, then away quickly.

In a last, desperate effort. I growled, a sound so familiar to me, but I felt his instincts rise within him as I knew they would.

"Jasper?"

I growled again, but it was much more animalistic, more instinctual.

"What are you doing? _Stop!_" He yelled as I ran toward him. He morphed quickly, his instincs taking over as he fought back.

I felt his guilt swarm from inside him. He knew what I was doing, but he was really going to set me free. Free from the life I no longer wanted without the one reason for existence.

I heard a small wimper, and a low, bark from him. I knew the pack was coming to help him.

The pain in my chest ached more than you could know.

Because to know love is divine, but so hard to survive.

I pictured Alice the day we met, the memory still so clear even after centuries. Her outstreched hand greeting me when I had no idea what to think. I took it without stoping to think, because I didn't need too. The feeling is so beautiful, because I can see her.

The way she smelled, even when she was gone. They way she glowed even in the shade. The way she traced my scars with such ease. The scars she believed made me beautiful. No matter what I pictured, her beauty never faded, neither did her smile.

I felt Jacob's large paws around me. For once in my life I knew I didn't need to fight back. I fell to the ground, from there it all was black...

I told someone once that I was sorry for keeping them waiting for such a long time. It started a journey that ended today.

Because for the first time in almost two centuries, I felt nothing.

* * *

**Alice and Jasper are my favorite couple in Twilight and one of my all time favorites in young adult fiction. Their love is so interesting to me, as well as their story. They're love seems so incredible considering where they both came from...*Swoons***

**Review please?**


End file.
